Deconstructing Lenses: The Hardest Lens to shed- Body Image

I have waited on this blog. I write it with more anxiety than I did any of my previous blogs. Of all my lenses, this is the one I still struggle with the most. I write about this today because if I was going through my program at Silver Dove, this would be the second lens I would need to clear. So here I will be vulnerable and share with you what it is like to hate your physical body. For some of you this will strike hard-- those who know the feelings. For others, you may not understand the depth this resides, and consider that a blessing! Please keep in mind as you read any of my blogs-- this is not written with a victim mentality. I believe, and it is one of the guiding principals at Silver Dove-- the victim mentality causes suffering. We are not victims, we are SURVIVORS!!! I write this blog not for sympathy or victimhood preaching- I write this blog to show you what I went through and where I am, so that way maybe it can inspire you in some way to progress on your healing journey.

I truly cannot remember when it stared. I remember some of my earliest memories involved feeling like I didn't fit in, like I was fat and ugly. I know by the time I was 7 or 8 I felt this way for sure, but I cannot quite remember if it was there before that age. I know at 42 it is still something I struggle with greatly. I am aware of what other people see, but what does it matter when I cannot see it myself?

I was an over weight child. At some point trauma and eating became linked. I never ate for the reasons you are supposed to eat-- I ate for every other reason. I built a coat of trauma to hide in and some of that was so no one would look at me or touch me. It was a way to protect myself, but it also caused me to hate myself.

My prison of shame was attached to my physical body for most of my life. I felt so ashamed inside-- ashamed of traumas that were done to me that were not mine to be ashamed of---that shame made it impossible to take care of myself correctly.

You all know how it goes-- eat-- shame yourself for eating-- eat more because you are sad and miserable because you cant stop eating. I should correct here-- I did not eat a lot of food-- I ate a lot of WRONG food.

Having a tummy tuck was one of the hardest and best things I have ever done. I wanted it so bad but was also terrified to have it. I felt like I did not deserve it, but I also felt like I earned it. It didn't seem necessary, but it felt mandatory. And truly, for me, it was. That was when I first shed my trauma coat. I didn't realize at the time, but that may have been the very first time I flirted with the idea of not shaming myself. I had not yet recognized how deep my prison went, or that it was even there. I certainly never knew the door was open, and that my mind had only tricked me into thinking it was locked.

People always make it sound so easy to loose weight and be healthy. But when you have used your weight to shame yourself and hide yourself... its not so simple. I have done EVERYTHING you can think of to look how I thought I needed to look-- none of it ever working. I did every diet out there, pills, laxatives, puking, starving, bingeing, gastric bypass, exercise and calorie counting, fasting.... but my mind could not let go of the need to "hide" me. Hide me behind a coat of fat so no one would ever see me, and if they did they would not look twice.

Such a contradiction because all I ever wanted was to fit in and be NORMAL. And this was one war going on in my mind for so long. Hollywood standards made me crazy wanting to be thin. Trauma symptoms made me crazy for wanting to be hidden.

And I never expected that to change. It was like that my entire life.

And then-- at some point in time at Mayo Clinic, it changed. The war was over, at least the largest battle was over. I no longer felt the control of food or sugar. It is completely gone. The war that remains is still the war of not feeling satisfied enough with what I look like, and this is a common problem for many. I do not see myself the way others do but it is not my weight (always) that causes me to feel like that. When I was 17 in was in a car accident and broke my eye socket. All I see is a swollen cheek when I take photos. I also sometimes see my tummy area as pre-tummy tuck. Those times are hard for me and I am work in progress with this.

Even so-- I UNDERSTAND now that its my perception that is incorrect. I may struggle with this, but I am also actively working through this with a positive mindset and this is what I hope the Nourishing Circle does for you!

So lets look at this in one other way--

Where does body image and self-esteem come from? If you were hatched out of an egg on a deserted island, would you have self-esteem?

No! You would not! Self-esteem is created by our interpretation of what other people approve of. Without that approval, we would have nothing to compare ourselves to. For so long I had no real self identity. It was attached to every other role in my life.. I was a mom.. I was a student, a wife, a daughter... but who was I????

I wanted to be like my friend---

I wanted to be like Salma Hayek because she is just -- yes.

I Wanted to be successful like---

I wanted to be loved like....

But I Could not see who I was and when I did not measure up to other peoples standards... it was more for my shame whip. And this is the cycle we can fall into when we let body image mess with our self-esteem.

I am learning now that I can change the parts of me I am not happy with if I do it with a healthy mindset-- no shaming.

I am learning now that I do not have to be Salma Hayek to be great-- cause I am pretty great myself.

I am learning now that its okay to love my physical self, even if it is a struggle, I give myself that permission now.

I am learning now that we are way to hard on ourselves for no damn reason!

And I am trying to help others see this truth too.

Cause when you can see what you do you your own mind... then you can correct it and free yourself. Body image is no different than any other lens. It can be deconstructed! Even if it is a work in progress.

Last year at this time, I was not progressing.

Today, I am aware, progressing, and happy.